The good news for those feeling unsettled, unhappy or frustrated in their marriage, is that all couples struggle with the same issues. According to Esther Perel , psychotherapist, bestselling author of " The State of Affairs " and host of two popular podcasts , both happy and miserable couples experience the same problems. It is how each couple comes together and relates to each other that defines whether the relationship will thrive or end. When couples turn toward each other with kindness, understanding and empathy, they can endure even the worst storms.
However, when the couple comes with boxing gloves on, treating each other with contempt, defensiveness and suspicion, the marital prognosis under any circumstance won't be positive. As the founder of the Smart Dating Academy , I work with all kinds of people to help them find the right kind of love. And while the dirty dishes in the sink may irk you, it turns out household chores aren't actually the reason behind most couples' divorce. In my experience with thousands of people, here are the top reasons couples divorce in no specific order, as this varies by state :.
Cheating is one of the main drivers of divorce. And in today's connected world, it's not just physical affairs that happen, but also emotional affairs. There are also countless affairs I hear about that occur because of social media. It's easier than ever to privately reconnect with an old flame, in real life or on Facebook.
According to Perel, infidelity is of one of the biggest betrayals a marriage can face; for some couples the marriage will end because of a one-night stand, and for others, it can be multiple offenses.
The destruction of trust in an already weak relationship can often be the death knell to the relationship. Money in and of itself doesn't cause divorce. Living in poverty is incredibly stressful, and financial stressors can lead to fighting — which can result in divorce. Differences in how we spend or save money can also be incredibly difficult to navigate in a marriage. Another money-related issue with the rise of successful women is that they are out-earning their spouses in increasing numbers.
This "modernizing" can be tough for even the most enlightened couples — and can cause a relationship to derail as well. Addictions are often cited as a reason for divorce.
That disconnect and loneliness can be reason enough for divorce. When the National Center for Biotechnology Information asked 52 people what contributed to their divorce in , a third of them named substance abuse a factor that contributed to the end of their marriages. Abuse, from physical harm to emotional manipulation like a partner withdrawing affection as punishment, leaves people feeling powerless. Separating from the abusive partner—in a safe and supported way—is the best way to regain your safety.
In the same NCBI study, around a quarter of respondents said domestic violence led to their divorce. An affair can feel like the ultimate betrayal and sign that healthy communication skidded to a halt a long time ago. Most of the time? How and when you spend it, save it, or make it, money is one of those things that can easily trigger tension in a marriage. Disagreements about finances make matters dicey, especially when it gets in the way of working together as a team, Cohen says.
Someone might think their partner spends too much, another might be worried about their partner's debt, and, in some cases, couples can't compromise about what to spend their money on.
Over time, the strain gets to be too much. We are fluid beings, and what you want can change over the course of a year marriage. I think sex is the glue, but there are lots of reasons why people disconnect from each other physically. For example, people fall into routines. Eventually, that becomes a routine, which becomes more solidified over time.
And then anytime you try to break out of it, it can be kind of weird and unexpected. So people stick to what they know. I want to ask you about the importance of forgiveness, of not letting resentments build up and eat away at a relationship. These are the small things that become big things over time. I think that all of us, if you catch us at the right moment, can be good or bad.
Most of us just want to stay connected, and we really do want to love people and be loved ourselves. I think that we sell people a bill of goods about what love is supposed to look like. Love is a verb. Love is so quick. You put on weight slowly and you lose weight slowly. You very slowly gain weight, but sure enough, it happens.
I think you fall in love really fast, then fall out of love slowly. And if you want to keep your love alive, you have to be attentive to all the little things that go wrong along the way, and constantly course-correct. Our mission has never been more vital than it is in this moment: to empower through understanding. Financial contributions from our readers are a critical part of supporting our resource-intensive work and help us keep our journalism free for all. Please consider making a contribution to Vox today to help us keep our work free for all.
Cookie banner We use cookies and other tracking technologies to improve your browsing experience on our site, show personalized content and targeted ads, analyze site traffic, and understand where our audiences come from. By choosing I Accept , you consent to our use of cookies and other tracking technologies. Reddit Pocket Flipboard Email. Shutterstock If you want to know why marriages break apart, and what it looks like when they do, talk to a divorce lawyer. Luckily for you, that book exists, and I decided to interview the author.
A lightly edited transcript of our conversation follows. Sean Illing What are the most common reasons people end up in your office? Sexton They come in for big reasons like infidelity or financial improprieties. Sexton Take it seriously. Next Up In Conversations. Delivered Fridays.
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